I Have This Feeling

In this world of a million maybes, the only way for a newbie to get by is trial and error. Feeling like a blind mice scurrying about in his maze of darkness. Endlessly banging against walls desperately in search of an exit. So afraid, so exposed, so vulnerable.

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What I was trying to say in the disgusting coleslaw post: Shame. How a total stranger who I'm not supposed to care about totally can make me feel shame with just a look. I always used to have the upper hand in this kind of dare, because I always felt that in fact the people around who witnessed my antics were more embarassed than me. That's where I get the kick from. To observe awkward faces while completely ignoring my own. So I lost the upper hand.
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On fashion sense:
When I was much younger, I remember always thinking my brother/mom were stupid for caring so much about what others thought. Sentences that began with "Cannot wear like this / do this lah, later people laugh at you / think you crazy...". The time spent in front of the mirror. I thought it was the dumbest thing in the world, caring what the rest of the world thought. I felt that adults were dumb, restricted and shackled simply because they cared too much about the opinions of others.

I practically swore never to become an adult like them, or like normal adults are.

Well it's getting tough(er) haha. I remember in JC I wouldn't even give two hoots about how my hair looked when I got out of bed. Whatever hairstyle I had when I get out of bed, I bring it directly to school. My hair is still crap, maybe I still dress like chinaman, (yah yah still got that disgusting green bag right) but what has changed is that I begin to feel, and understand why adults act the way they do. Normal people.

That sucks. To always feel it, yet to always want to fight it.

But I realised one thing good out of dressing bad. I learnt to be humble in a sense. Don't believe, you can one day try dressing the crappiest ever and bring your just-out-of-bed hairstyle to school. Just one day. You try. In that one day you will feel the power of the imaginary internal voice. Imagining that others are laughing at you, judging you all the time (true only to an extent). Once you feel that, then you will begin to look at people differently. Cannot be quick to judge any more. He looks like crap? You look worse. He/she looks like crap? Yah but so what, the only thing that should matter is whether he/she is kind-hearted. I try to do it. I try to add these nice sentences every time I make negative judgements.

Heck care-ism is easy when young. To date I really don't know of any truly heck care people who I can really admire. Wo3 xing2 wo3 su4. Where nothing can get them down. However, I'm also not suggesting that the whole world should be heck care. If that happens then I will have no more pretty girls to look at.

P.S. I would also like to state that claims that "you will get condemn in you dress like crap in arts", "going arts like going fashion show" are abit exaggerated.
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If I could flush my ego down the toilet right now, then I would never feel embarassment. Humiliation, shame, fear. That would really really give me free rein to do all the crazy and fun things in the world. But if I had no ego, I wouldn't feel be able to feel love and satisfaction either, haha. That's the flip side of being "One with the universe", you are no longer a seperate entity. That's inner peace? Feel nothing. I'm not sure if I accept that. Interestingly there's actually a form of Buddhism that does not ask people to give up normal enjoyments like sex or whatever but instead to embrace them in the fullest.

So it's a daily struggle. If you choose a not-boring life, then it will be both painful and exciting.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." --Helen Keller